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"Wait til you guys start fighting."
-_____- Really? I’m telling you stories of how fucking cute and wonderful he is, going out to buy me a blueberry muffin because he didn’t have any blueberries to bake with….
and you’re giving me a knowing smile and saying “Wait til you have your first fight.” Why? Is a fight supposed to completely negate everything he’s done for the past few months and make me mean and miserable towards him?
I think everyone needs to stop projecting their shitty relationships onto mine and just be happy for me, for fuck’s sake.
I can’t help but watch the blade reveal
the face behind the man. Each careful stroke
reshapes the curves my fingers itch to feel.
I’d trace -so soft- your jaw, your lips, your nose
and never nick or scratch your tender skin
if you’d abandon that cold blade for me.
My hands would kiss the spot above your chin;
they’d sculpt the lids below your brow and see
just where your slow, lovely lines would lead.
Again you dip your soap edged sword and stir
the heat to steam; it rises, mists. It beads
and baths of silver fingers stripe the mirror.
Finally, you stop, so smoothly turn and trace
the lips that, line by line, reveal my face.
- Debra Pennington Davis
So wildly appropriate ;]
He told me he was nervous the first time he and I worked together by ourselves.
I told him I’d called him my “Hot Topic Boyfriend’ during conversations with my sister and friends about a year before I started working there.
He mentioned a time I came into the store and he had been trying to be witty and make me laugh, because he liked how loud it was.
He remembered that I was wearing a leather jacket.
I can’t recall anything that has made me smile that hard, ever.
Trying to change your single girl thought patttern is more difficult than I ever imagined it could be. I’m taking someone else into consideration almost all the time, thinking about someone almost all the time, and having these feelings returned. It’s amazing.
I go out on day trips with friends, I end up getting him some weird little gift from wherever. I plan on taking him out to dinner, I research the place or call first to make sure they have some vegan options for him. It feels so wonderful to have someone to dote on. Isn’t it weird?
And he does the same for me. He gets out of bed and puts coffee on. Sets out ’my’ giraffe mug if I don’t have to rush off, a travel cup if I’m heading to work. He opens doors. He gets sly when he knows I want to cover some cost and beats me to it. He writes me little notes. He bought me a Time Turner, and then I fucking ruined it and purchased my own two hours later. When I tried to apologize and explain that I wasn’t used to things like this, he frowned and shook his head. “Don’t apologize. You’re independent. And the fact that you’re not used to someone being nice to you just makes me want to do it more. You deserve it.”
We have moved into the physical realm of this relationship, and I WAS RIGHT. The Beast is quite a wild thing, and our first meeting was VERY NICE. But I digress. My point is, we’ve taken it to that crazy place and instead of pawing at me constantly and just wanting to take it to his bedroom before anything else, he’s still more interested in watching 5 episodes of Spiderman on Netflix. Or sitting on his couch for two hours reading the pile of books we raided Border’s liquidation sales for. OR MY FUCKING FAVORITE FROM THIS PAST WEEK: COLORING.
Connecting with someone on an intellectual, mental AND physical level is something new for me. It’s exhilarating.
But it’s insanely difficult when it’s a bi-nightly occurance.
Our first kiss was after a very late night watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. We made butterbeer and actually spent a lot of time talking before we actually watched the movie, so I didn’t end up leaving until about 2:30AM. He walked me out to my car and at first we just hugged and giggled. Then we both stood there making awkward faces and going back and forth saying “Yes? No?” and then finally I gave up and said “Okay…” and made a move like I was going to get back into the car. He said “Okay,’ laughed and put his hands against my jaw and kissed me. Perfect, adorable, and with a very sassy little bit of tounge added in. That was two weeks ago.
We have now gotten up to Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix, made out ridiculously on his couch for about 6/8 hours total and I have given two oral presentations thus far. So much for being a lady about this. THE BEAST IS IN THERE. HE’S VERY POLITE AND STILL LURKING JUST BELOW THE SURFACE BUT UGHHH HE’S THERE. AND I AM VERY EXCITED TO MEET HIM.
So this last week he offically started calling our outings “dates”. Told his mom about it, actually. He took me on an adorable little surprise date to the Audubon Nature Reserve. It was a beautiful day and I’d bought the perfect sundress (which he called “fantastic”). We walked through the property down to this little rock beach. We tried to break in to the areas they had closed off for “groups” along the way, but to no avail. Then we made out at the end of the boardwalk for a while, had a little scavenger hunt and headed back. He’s just. The cutest. Tuesday night I left late again. And a few hours later he was inviting me to come hang out after I was getting out of class Wednesday night. I ended up skipping my class in order to see him earlier. :) We didn’t incorporate Harry at all into that evening. We made cupcakes, talked about a shitload of things. We were having a discussion about history classes we’d taken and then spent an hour sitting on his bed sifting through his books trying to find a quote he had been thinking of. We ended up reading for most of that hour, barely talking and sitting cross-legged on his bed just close enough for our knees to touch.
That Weds night cluminated in my staying over. I spent the night curled up against him, actually sleeping because I was so comfortable. And in the morning, as I predicted about what…four months ago? He made us coffee using his little French Press….while wearing nothing more than Batman short shorts. ;)
I can’t get my head around it sometimes. My trials with men have always gone so horribly wrong, how did a trial with someone so excellent go so RIGHT?! You’d figure this would be harder. Filled with more anxiety, on my part at least. This boy could have his pick of anyone. How on earth did he even give me a second thought?I know, I’m self-depreciating and awful to myself. But Good God. I haven’t been this giddy over anyone, ever. I mean yes I get girly and excited about them. But I’ve never burst into spontaneous giggles when randomly thinking about them. Nor have I spent an entire day in Boston trying to find an awkwardly cute, quirky Bruins-related present to give to someone for no reason at all. :) I’m finally having fun, without worrying too much about how I’m being percieved or wether or not this is working. It is working wonderfully, and I am absolutely floored.
Ex- Coworker Dream Boy (I can’t decide between the two so he gets both) has been nothing short of fantastic. I don’t know what to do with myself at this point.
On Thursday our original plans got ruined by a freak storm, so we had to come up with something else.
He agreed to go see Pirates with me again. We were both wearing inadequate clothing for the sub-zero temperatures they keep movie theaters in, but I was smart and grabbed a hoodie. He was not so smart. So I offered him my hoodie, and he laughed while accepting it. No macho showoff here. lol Then he threw half of it across me saying “Well don’t make me feel like a total asshole…” We awkwardly snuggled under my hoodie for about 20 minutes. I barely moved. I barely breathed. I was so nervous and jittery and pleased.
So I drove him home after the movie, and before he got out of the car he asked if he could see me Saturday night. Overexcited, enthusiastic YES along with a hug. I waited until I had gotten at least two blocks from his house before I had a little celebratory dance party for myself.
So, last night he picked me up after work….wearing a Gryffindor t-shirt. So THAT’S how tonight’s going to go, huh? :] He’s got a big smile on his face and opens the door for me from the inside. As soon as I sit down he goes ‘IF I DON’T GET MY TICKETS TONIGHT I’LL FORGET.’ The movie theater is on his way home from work. He came and got me before going to buy his Harry Potter tickets. :D So we now offically have tickets to the same show; same time, same place. And after that we drove around talking and listening to music. He let me freak out to “Piano Man” on the radio, and Frank Sinatra. We talked about various things, got coffee at Starbucks and then went walking around in the rain. He kept apologizing for making me walk around in the rain, which was ridiculous but cute. And while we were at this crazy store, he bought a goddamn umbrella. SO. CUTE.
Then he took the long way home, walked me to my door and hugged me for a very long time.
UGHHHH I JUST CAN’T STAND IT. He’s SO. CUTE. AND EXCELLENT. I have no idea what to do with myself or how to behave, or how to mask my overwhelming desire to just squeeze the shit out of him and tell him he’s the fucking cutest thing ever every 20 minutes.
In my book, this is a huge deal. :]
SO. I HAVE COMPLETELY SWITCHED IT UP ON ALL OF YOU. AND TAKEN SOME GODDAMN INITIATIVE.
Last weekend, I went to my co-worker’s 21st birthday party. The other employees and I decided to fuck all and go against our company’s ridiculous fraternization policy and go have fun with her. Her family rented a hall and had a big thing with a DJ and a bar, so needless to say it was the best Saturday night plan I’ve had in a long while.
Ex-Coworker Dream Boy volunteered to drive me and another girl to and from the party. He doesn’t do any drinking or smoking, he’s vegan…just ugh…too perfect. lol So we definitely took advantage of it and got trashed with the birthday girl. DB was off for most of the night hanging out with the younger kids and playing pool, but once the music started getting good and most of his crew had to go home, he came to hang out with us on the dance floor. We had so much fun, and even though I was standing right next to him, I did nothing to compromise the situation at all. I am still very proud of that fact.
Well, once I got home I waited to make sure he made it back home and dropped off our coworker before I texted him. I thanked him for putting up with us and told him he was an adorable human. He told me that I made it sound like he didn’t enjoy his time with me which was inaccurate, and that I was pretty adorable myself. Cue drunken giddiness and mild heart failure. I continued by telling him that he shouldn’t talk to me that way because I would not be held responsible for ridiculous things I may say. We went back and forth for a while, being silly and I definitely got a positive response, and we pretty much left it at that.
Not two days later, he made a date with me for the following Friday (yesterday) to go to the zoo. I have never been asked by someone to do something that I didn’t suggest we do together. So we went on this ‘adventure’ (neither of us could call it a date because we’re too awkward) yesterday. He opened the car door for me. He told me I look cute, and said that he was nervous on more than one occasion. We walked through the zoo and it’s surrounding park for a few hours just talking. It was awesome. I have never been so comfortable just talking to someone. Then after that we went to a show where we watched a few bands that we both mutually like, and a few we mutually didn’t like. Stood a little closer than usual show etiquette suggests, and by the time I got home from picking up my car at his place I had a text saying that he couldn’t wait for our next ‘adventure’.
I am so excited about this. There’s no tension (yet), no need to put on a show. I’ve already made a complete fool out of myself in front of this person while at work, in the mindset that, if anything, he could only be a good friend that I might get to hang out with on the sly every now and again. So now he’s seen, heard and experienced every nerdy and awkward thing about me. I can’t hide anymore. lol It’s so freeing.
I just had to give you guys this update because I literally have not stopped smiling since 2PM yesterday afternoon. I had to let it out a little somehow.
Oh, my darlings. I’ve been avoiding writing for so long. I feel like you’re all going to roll your eyes and quickly press the ‘unfollow’ button if I had continued writing the way I was. I needed some time off.
Well, I’ve taken it. And made some more poor decisions. And gained some more ammo in my arsenal of man-hating. But there’s some light at the end of this tunnel for me (hopefully).
Co-worker is getting transfered to another store. Which means he is no longer my co-worker. Which means my inappropriate crush on him is no longer inappropriate, but entirely acceptable and should probably be acted upon. Probably being the key word here. It’s entirely possible that he’s just adorable all the time and I’m not really seeing anything other than the normal way he interacts with people. I am notorious for misinterpreting life in general.
But oohhh a girl can hope.
Also, I’m avoiding getting myself involved with Sailor. Actually, I turned down an invitation to dinner with him on Friday night in order to go watch the Bruins game with Co-Worker. A move that I was very proud of myself for making. I just feel too stuck with Sailor, like I know what he wants from me and I know what he expects. And after two years, that’s no longer what I want or expect from someone. I honestly want the most basic, bare-bones getting to know each other relationship I can possibly get. I don’t want to have to perform for anyone, to be something I’m not entirely comfortable being. I’m over the physical. I want a mental and emotional connection. The physical will come later. Much later at this point. I just don’t want it. I need something more than just that. And I need to know that he wants more than just that. But with Sailor I don’t feel that. It makes me nervous, and I still don’t feel like I can trust him. So. It’s a bad scene on that end. I’m fine with talking to him and maybe hanging out with him. But he could be taking off on some high-seas adventure within hours. It’s just…not worth the headache.
Okay, I think that’s all the catch-up you guys need right now. Just know that I am getting smarter with all of this, I am developing. And I hope to get back to being normal and looking at things from a more objective, less whiney point of view very soon. Thank you all for putting up with me and hanging on <3 I appreciate it.
That a certain someone’s extensive knowledge of coffee and how to use a French press would be most appreciated.
I’m sure I’d find ways to appreciate his other feilds of knowledge as well.
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